Oh, I'm sorry for your pain and disillusion. You have to be very tough, I think, to have affairs, and scrupulously honest and open, at least with the person you're affairing with - particularly about expectations.

Kisses

Thank you so much for commenting Z and of course you're right. After re-reading, I do hope I don't come across as someone who is wallowing in victim-mode. I don't feel like a victim; I just feel like a fool. Eventually, I'm going to stand back and have a good laugh at myself. That's the plan anyway. Might involve a glass or two of red wine. ;-)

Truly a universal experience, and no easier to handle at 70 than at 17 as I am vicariously discovering just now. Poor Romeo was back in to see me today, and at least his BP is now better even though he remains bereft and heartbroken.

So if you are feeling a tad foolish right now then so be it, but you are surely not alone, and it shall pass. And yes, red wine would seem an appropriate remedy ;-)

Poor Romeo! If anyone can help him piece his heart back together, Dr, J, I'm sure it's you. At least you're making headway with the BP. Slowly but surely.

Thanks for the seal of approval on the Red Wine Cure. Nice to have official endorsement. ;-)

The only part of this that doesn't ring true:
"In the end, I just wasn’t special enough."

In one man's eyes and in his life, you may have been seen that way. But your specialness in the universe is not in doubt at all, as your readers, friends, and family attest regularly. A less special person couldn't have written something this uniquely moving.

Blimey, Review Stew. And there I was, priding myself on not having shed a single tear the whole day. I'm all at sea now - see what you've done!

(Come here and have a huge cyber-hug & tear-stained kiss, you!)

o xxx

Upon finishing this read, I ask myself whether we have relationships with anyone but ourselves. Do we know anyone? Do we know what they truly think of us? Can we know how they us, want they want from us? We create these worlds/relationships within our minds then attribute them to others. We all do it. I know I sure do.

I always go back to actions over words, but I've also learned that I cannot decipher what the actions of another mean. Sometimes I doubt any of us knows why we do what we do. Perhaps it's being brave enough to do the doing that counts.

Hugs your way, gal. I see you as beyond special. You cared, you lived, you were open. Can't get any cooler than that.

ha...missed that...was supposed to read "how they love us." Screenlexia strikes again!

Part of the problem with reacting to being rejected by feeling woefully unspecial (and I've been there) is that, though the feeling itself is always valid as a feeling, it's not necessarily true as a fact. And in your case, of course I must agree with Review Stew - our orchidea, not special?? Not so. Not so!

The feeling I had after I read this was sadness for the loss of what could have been and sympathy for you. But I also felt sympathy for him as well (I know, I know, what a heretical thing to say about the cad!). But really, think about it: in his rejection of you, he lost something here, too... something, someone very very special.

Still, rejection hurts, no matter how special the rejectee happens to actually be. And the hurt of it does have to be acknowledged; to be, as you say, "accepted with grace and dignity," something you have done rather beautifully in this post.

As for feeling foolish? Yes, red wine is excellent for that! In fact, it even works via sympathetic magic - meaning that the glass I drink for you tonight will help you feel less foolish tomorrow. I promise ;)

So, here's to you, you beautiful fool!

Hey Gillette. :) You can be as screenlexic as you please here, dear - it's positively encouraged, because it makes the author giggle and recognise herself.

Yes, we all project our past experiences, hopes and desires onto others, our lovers in particular... gosh, it doesn't take a shrink to work out why I married my "best friend", does it - my parents' constant bickering and cold contempt for each other saw to that, and it wasn't necessarily a bad thing, because there is more to marriage than what goes on between the sheets (not that I'd have you believe nothing goes on between the sheets chez nous). And actually the shrink did work it out, but refrained from pointing it out to me until the penny dropped; that's the mark of a good shrink.

I don't think anyone is immune or so perfect and frighteningly insightful that they can avoid this. We all have our triggers.

And judging by the sudden proliferation of "Women are from crappy Venus and Men are from sodding Mars" ads in my gmail account, no, we don't. ;-)

Elizavetta, darling. You (and you Gillette) are making me cry. Really, you shouldn't tell me I'm special or even slightly or very, or very, very or cool - it will go to my head. Really, girls! Just give me a good cyber-slap and tell me I've been a very silly girl and pour me another glass of wine, please? :-)

(You are pretty wonderful yourselves!)

(And that goes for all of you. So there.)

PS. I believe The Fool in the Casanova Tarot deck is rather pretty - behind her mask.

Just sitting here thinking of you, that's all. Best. Rx

Count yourself in, Rob. Ta. You make me smile. :)

o xxx

...and so, in time, we learn about where to recognise the most fertile soil in which we can grow.

You too, Greavers. :) And yes, rich, fertile soil in which we can grow strong roots which will grow a nice strong tree with branches that can weather a storm or two.

And now I think I am catching a bad case of the giggles.

It is amazing how hard we try to make it all work! I am an expert at switching off that inner voise, the wise voice that says, "...this is no good, you know that!".

I'm not even sure if one can ever the moment before we have given too much of our selves away..before the pain comes welling up.

All that I'm sure of is that to never love-- to never give so much...to never know the poison joy of hope and fear-- isn't for me. One day I'll be dead and gone, and that this right here and right now is life...But oh, that feeling of not good enough really hurts, you have my sympathy and I hope that one day he wakes up sees how cruel it is to try to treat love as if it is a kind of illness!

I hope that one day he wakes up sees how cruel it is to try to treat love as if it is a kind of illness!

I don't think he meant it quite the way it came out, RideFlame. :)

And lovesickness is an affliction...

I don't think I can say anything that hasn't been said very eloquently already. Just - I hear you, I've been there too, although my blessing was to wind up with the object of my affection (yep, I started out as the 'other woman' in EPI's life).

Like the others, I take objection to your comment that "I just wasn't special enough". I know you may have felt that way on that particular day, but I also know you're self-aware enough to know that it's not true. You just got tangled up in someone else's shite, it has nothing to do with your worth. In my view: he wasn't special enough to be worthy of YOU.

You just got tangled up in someone else's shite, it has nothing to do with your worth.

Rejection paralyses you; also your thought processes. Thank you for that timely reminder, Alda. And for the rest...

Love,

o xxx

You know my thoughts on this but I will still comment. It (his decision) has nothing to do with you. You are quite special but in his case, no one is special enough; because he already made his choice-himself.

Not to sully his name/memory but he needed you to make himself feel good, adequate, wanted. A common state of the human condition-needing to be wanted. The more desirable the person doing the wanting, the more the thrill and the joy of it all.

Do not feel rejected, feel liberated to be with a man who can value you (if you chose to ever have another dalliance.)

I know it hurts, but you bloom eternal and will surely heal.

All my hugs and kisses to you.